When Christmas Comes Up Short

As usual Christmas lingered for quite a while in our home, but we finally took down our decorations tonight. As I nestled the wreath ornaments back into their prescribed homes, I was reminded that this Christmas was far from perfect. Still full of light-filled beauty and the comfort of home and those that make it, yet scattered with mistakes, slips of the hand and tongue, not without a little brokenness.

I didn't have the Christmas I should've had. All the makings were there: my brother with his new bride, my adorable niece now old enough to participate, Nate and I looking for a little redemption for our first Christmas. But it didn't happen. The should-bes, the wishes, the I-don't-understand-why-nots piled up, the pressure grew and it broke.

The shards fell, cut deep. Slivers caught just when I thought it was clean. Christmas isn't supposed to hurt, right?

And yet the first Christmas wasn't what it should've been either. Pain and unmet expectations define the majority of the Christmas story. Mary & Joseph should've been honored for their faithfulness instead of disgraced. Mary should've gotten to stay in the comfort of her home (or at least gotten the big room at the inn). And most of all, Our Lord and Savior, Eternal God, Author of Life should've been born some place other than a stable, some place warm and clean and free of animals.

Yet, He chose to enter into the lowly place. He chose to begin with the broken, to be the comfort to pain, even upon His entrance into this world.

It's January, a time for fresh starts and blank slates, a new opportunity to get our acts together. But may we all remember as we pack up Christmas, that Christ still seeks to meet us where we hurt. Our expectations, our should've beens, may fall short. But His presence will match our needs every time. And then He goes even further.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly 

than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 

to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus 

throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen"

Ephesians 3:20-21 (ESV)

Here's to a blessed 2012, dear friends. I can't wait to journey with you!

The Snow

It's snowing tonight.

There's nothing profound about that statement except that I can tell you it has snowed on at least 4 out of the last 5 December 8ths, and the snow four years ago still takes my breath away.

Four years ago I spent the entire day thinking about a certain guy and wondering, hoping, waiting to see what would happen next. The entire story is for another day. Tonight is about the snow.

Four years ago, the night sky was more white than black, more in motion than static. It was a day of excitement and anticipation, yet what I remember most is the silence. 

Big, wet snowflakes swayed and danced to their coy rhythm is they fell, stuck, stacked. No wind to speak of, no people on the sidewalks, no cars sliding by. Just snow, stillness, and his best friend as an escort.

We chatted on our short walk across campus, the one that took an eternity, but our words seemed to violate the snow's soundless serenade.

As we rounded the corner of that beloved building, I saw him, standing in the snow, waiting for me as I had been waiting for him. I had no idea what the next four years of snow and sunshine would bring, but I knew I got to be his girl, and that was enough for that night. And now as the snow falls again, as I remember the beauty of the last four years, I'm that giddy girl in the parking lot again, just happy to be his.

Tonight's Snow & Tired Eyes

For Good

One year. I remember signing my AmeriCorps contract exactly one year ago tomorrow, and I thought that one year of working with kids would probably be enough for me. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. But I never thought I'd be working with them full time. Now, after completing my 1700+ hours, most of them with crowds of kids, I've grown, changed and learned more than ever thought possible. Want to take a little tour of what I learned at Club? Yes? Sweet.

1. Laughing is so much better than yelling
2. I still am crazy bad at craft time
3. Yes, I can hear that boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom, bass. Thanks, Nicki Minaj.
4. Leading choir is HARD!
5. Hearing children sing is a blessing
6. Seeing that light bulb moment is worth all the hours of frustration every time
7. Beating a 5th grade boy in a swimming race is also worth it every time
8. Making a fool of myself is always effective
9. A certain pair of twins spells trouble
10. I'm a pushover
11. But I also expect a lot
12. Some parents make me frustrated, some make me sick, and some inspire me
13. I am brought to tears by the fact that I can drop off a child in a house laced with poverty, drive 10 miles and see wealth oozing in the streets
14. Sharing a 10' x 10' office with 2 coworkers leads to tension but it can also lead to incredible friendship
15. My coworkers are some of the most caring people I've ever met
16. My kids' brutal honesty is typically right on
17. Simple gifts at the right time add up to serious excitement and gratitude
18. If something is fire or crackin', it's a good thing
19. 4th and 5th graders are really bad at volleyball but so fun to coach!
20. I'm not made for saying goodbye

I've been snotted on, hugged, talked back to, and sought after. I've asked kids to shape up, to sing out, to be nice, to believe they're beautiful. I've seen furrowed brows, chlorine-reddened eyes, tears, and the light of surprise. And the thing is, I can't see this, feel this, learn this and go back to the way things were. So, as we've sung so many times in the small confines of our office, I have been changed for good.

This one's for you, Patty!

I do believe I have been changed for the better.

24. Hope

Deteriorating sicknesses, difficult diagnoses, and family heartbreak. November has been a month full of tough days. Days where the temptation toward bitterness has loomed large, lingered in my peripheral vision even when I turn my head. And yet there is a promise that covers all the hurt, frustration, confusion and lure of hostility: the promise of hope.

No matter what you're facing today, I pray that you are able to cling to the power of hope rooted in God's grace and love. Taking note of God's gifts throughout my days has helped me focus on His goodness in the midst of pain and reminded me that He has never left me. Today His hope is allowing me to rest in His sovereignty. It's a beautiful place to be.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! I pray you are sharing in His hope and grace today. Thanks for joining me as we counted down by counting up our blessings. I'm thankful for you!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, 

so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."

Romans 15:13 (ESV)

Today's blessings:

• Sunshine
• The smells of holidays
• Anticipating time with family
• Relaxation
• The party potatoes are ready!

23. History

I'm guessing you either know or have picked up on the fact that I am an unashamed,  full-fledged nerd. I love information, conversation, and anything that I perceive will help me think better or become more knowledgeable. It should be no surprise to you when I say that I have always been intrigued by history.

Tonight we went to this movie, and while it had some content of which I was unaware previous to viewing, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's good storytelling of a man who may have been one of the most difficult people to truly know, and yet his life work had a direct effect on shaping twentieth century history. Mind-blowing. Amazing.

As we discussed the film on the way home, I was reminded of how much I enjoy analyzing historical events and people. This analysis, if properly heeded, has a way of teaching us about the present society, who we are as individuals, and advice as to how to proceed in future situations. (If you've seen the film and would like to discuss it, let me know! I'm always up for a good conversation. :-)

Tonight I'm thankful for the lessons of history and the astounding people God has created.

Today's blessings:

• Nate passing his last test!
• An easy-paced day
• Time with family
• My personal history

22. Hugs

I haven't been looking forward to this day for almost a year now. Today was the day I told the kids I am leaving next week. I began my AmeriCorps position excited but not really knowing what to expect. I always have known I would work at the Club for a year, but I didn't realize until recently just how much I was dreading saying goodbye.

I am not naive enough to think that all the kids will miss me; in fact, I have a pretty good idea of who will be looking forward to next Tuesday! ;-) But there are those who I know I will miss in a big way. After I explained I was leaving to the kids, I got the beautiful experience of being completely surrounded with hugs from my favorite little people. Hugs just do good things for the soul, don't they?

I'm so thankful for the power of a hug and many people with whom to share the love (especially this guy... :-).

Today's blessings:

• Cuddle time watching The Sing-Off
• Singing voices that make me both swoon and giggle with glee
• The end of the work week
• A crazy comfy bed...goodnight!

21. Brothers

While I did not intend on concluding this list with all the people in my life for whom I'm thankful, (That list would be quite lengthy!) I would be remiss to skip over two of my favorite people in the world. Being the baby girl of the family definitely has its perks, but the real benefit to being the baby was getting have these two as big brothers.

Nathan and Andrew: Two great men to have at my side!

While they gave me the proper amount of grief during our childhood, I have always looked up to my brothers. They are my protectors and encouragers, wise counsel and dear friends. Nathan and I are wired so similarly that we can often speak in the same voice (figuratively, not literally...) He's full of wisdom and logic, and I know I will always get sound advice when I talk to him. He forces me to not only think, but to think better. Plus he is one of the best conversationalists I know.

Andrew and I have definitely had our moments. We don't think in the same way, and we have to purposely work to understand each other's perspective. He is emotional, strong, loyal, and hilarious. He truly believes I can do anything and makes sure I don't settle. He may have taught me how to fight, but he also taught me how to bring resolution.

I'm so thankful that I get to call these two godly men my brothers. They are such an encouragement and a joy to be around. They've also picked phenomenal women to be their wives, which is an entire blessing in and of itself.

Beautiful sisters! Women I prayed for, wondered and worried about long before I knew them.
I should have known they'd be wonderful!

I miss them fiercely, especially today.

Today's blessings:

• Friends who care and love deeply
• Cell phones
• Lemon tea to end the night