Counting Down by Counting Up

Happy November! It's hard to believe we're already beginning the holiday months, but I think November is turning into one of my favorite writing months. Last year I took a friend's advice and posted something for which Nate and I were thankful each day from Nov. 1 until Thanksgiving Day. (If you're interested/bored, you can read those posts here.)  After reading this book recently, I'm taking steps to make gratitude a more intentional part of my life, so I'm going to again count down the days until Thanksgiving by counting up my days' blessings! Will you join me? I'd love to have you leave comments about what you're thankful for or write posts of your own if you're a blogger! Here we go!

The View from Our Balcony Tonight

1. Stillness

I work with with kids everyday. 200 of them. Nothing about my job is quiet, and I'm generally ok with that. I love loving these kids loud. But tonight I'm home alone in our apartment and everything is still. No music, no washing machine, nothing. And I'm soaking it in.

You may remember that stillness and I aren't always on the best of terms. There are definitely times I still fight it with the same stubborn vigor I see in my niece when she has to eat meat instead of her beloved fruit. But in the last year I've learned a lot about how much I need the stillness, how we are created to need it.

So despite the crazy volume in my life, the full schedules, the hundred things I'm behind on, I'm thankful God gives us moments of stillness. The sunset tonight was beautiful. And as always, silent. It slips by so quickly, changing by the minutes. There is nothing yelling, "Hey, I'm a beautiful reminder of God's creation! You should pay attention now!"

Instead it coyly calls for your eyes. It waits for you to be still and see. He waits for us to be still and know. How beautiful.

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live

your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith

as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."

Colossians 2:6-7

Starting Something New

While I have followed Angie Smith's blog for over year and read her updates about her book club, I have only observed this community from a distance. I've often toyed with joining, but it's never quite worked out timing-wise. Since I had already purchased this fall's book before the book club started, I no longer had an excuse to not try it out. So...here I go! 

I'm not exactly sure what it will look like, but I do know I'd love to have fellow companions. Would any of you like to join me? We can figure out this online book club together, and I'm guessing we'll learn more about each other and more about our God as we go. Both are positives in my opinion! :-) Since this week is only covering the introduction, you have plenty of time to catch up. Please leave a comment if you're interested and I'll be in contact. We're all in this together! (Yes, this is technically two High School Musical references in one post. Don't judge me. I work with kids. ;-)

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Fear is not something to which I easily admit. I 'm able to go with the flow without too much effort and I don't usually have anxiety issues. Over time, however, I have seen a pattern of struggle that I have only recently labeled as fear. 

For much of my life, I've heard the phrase "strive to reach your potential" more times than I can count. In fact, I think I said it to myself as much as I heard it from others. There is nothing inherently wrong with this phrase; it spurred much motivation and action on my part. Yet wanting to reach that elusive potential caused  me to completely freeze up while I analyzed all of my options and the subsequent possible outcomes. My mom calls it being "paralyzed by indecision." My golf coach calls it "paralysis through analysis." But it's proper name is fear.

I fear choosing the incorrect path, harming others with my decision, missing God's blessing, disappointing others, yes, but most of all disappointing God. And though I count it as blessing to be able to play out the variety of possibilities, when in my control, these possibilities turn into lingering doubts. Doubts morph into worry which transform into paralyzing fear that permeates the mind, prohibits action.

Yet this fear must dissolve when, and only when, I acknowledge I am not in control, do not have authorized control, will never have any semblance of control. Feigning control is simply my feeble, stubborn, ignorant, flailing attempt at being God when I stop trusting. But inexplicably, thankfully there is grace.

"All fear is but the notion that God's love ends...Fear thinks God is finite and fear believes that there is not going to be enough...In Me, blessings never end because My love for you never ends. If My goodnesses toward you end, I will cease to exist, child. As long as there is a God in heaven, there is grace on earth and I am the spilling God of the uncontainable, forever-overflowing-love-grace."

Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, p. 161

Refusing to Let Go

I'm sitting here in my softly-lit apartment, my Bible beside me, quiet with the exception of simple piano music gently playing and subtle taps of my fingers against the keyboard. It is a time of peace, a time of stillness. Yet all I can think about is wrestling.

I have long been fascinated by the account recorded in Genesis 32 in which Jacob wrestles with God. The New Testament is full of God physically interacting with humanity through Jesus, but as I too often forget, God doesn't change. The God of the Old Testament is the same God of the New Testament. He has always sought relationship with His creation. He will always seek relationship with me, with you.

To set the scene for this story, remember that Jacob's twin Esau wasn't too happy with Jacob after due to some inheritance issues back in their younger years. (Read this for a full account) Now Jacob must pass through his brother's land and therefore face the past he had since avoided.

I feel it is important to note that before Jacob wrestles God, he is afraid, very afraid. But not of his God. He is afraid of the unknown, afraid of his perception of his wronged brother, afraid of facing the consequences of his actions. He is so afraid that he splits up his belongings and family so if one is attacked, the other will have more time to escape. He sends wave after wave of gifts to meet his brother in hopes of gaining favor before they actually meet face to face.

When he has sent everyone ahead of him, when he is finally alone, Jacob wrestles God who is on earth as a man. (Sound familiar?) This scuffle lasts through the night and ends with the Lord dislocating Jacob's hip after Jacob refuses to let Him go without a blessing. Refuses to let Him go. Can you imagine the audacity of this action? the courage? the seeming stupidity? And yet, the Lord blesses Jacob.

It appears so black and white, so straightforward when read on the page of scripture. This event is recorded without any hint of strangeness. Yet when you let your mind invade the page, there is nothing normal about it. Our perfect Lord and Savior walking on this earth, entangled with one He created, rolling in the dust, sweating while locked in an enduring struggle. Upon seeing the sun rise, He ends their match with a blessing Jacob doesn't seem to deserve, a name change. Israel. He strives with God.

I find such comfort in these odd 11 verses tucked in the Old Testament. I know that when I sit in a place of apparent peace and yet don't find any, when I lay awake on the night before a day I fear, that it's ok to wrestle with my God, that's it's worth it. In that struggle, I can't hold on to anything besides my God, the One I don't always understand. And eventually my resistant hands will give into His everlasting arms, my tense face will rest in His chest, and in that embrace I will stay, refusing to let go.

A Simple Phrase

Two years ago Nate asked me to marry him. I remember the warm August night, the way we were cuddled together looking up at a perfectly clear sky. I remember laughing and flirting, reveling in simply being together. I remember feeling my heart rate spike when I finally understood what was happening, and yes, I remember the words he spoke to me. Yet there is one phrase I cherish over all the rest: the phrase that I had seen in his eyes, felt in his embrace, heard only through the silent squeeze of our clasped hands. He told me, "I love you, Anne."

A simple phrase that changed my world.

We have since learned a much deeper meaning of this simple phrase, and I know we have only begun to scratch the surface. No matter what type of circumstances come our way, Nate's love for me points me to the love of our Father. That has made all the difference. At times it is so difficult to actually believe that God loves and tenderly cares for me, but it is in those times of doubt and frustration that God uses Nate to remind me of Love. And I return to a warm, summer night, embraced by the arms that placed the stars in the sky above me. Though I know my Father, my Savior has told me many times before, He holds me close and says for what feels like the first time, "I love you, Anne."

A simple phrase that changes my world.

"For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving,

abounding in steadfast

love to all who call upon you."

Psalm 86:5 (ESV)

Deal Update

Today I received my Paper Coterie creation well before I had anticipated, and I'm very pleased to announce that it has easily lived up to my expectations! It's size (9.5"x13") doesn't quite fit in my bookshelf of my as I had been planning, but I'm still thrilled to have a place for our memories! If you're still interested in any Paper Coterie items, the code BEGINANYWHERE will still grant you a $40 credit until August 31.

I promise more thoughtful posts are on the way! Enjoy the beginning of your weekend.

Rockin' Awesome

Remember this post? My wonderful mother-in-law sent us this fun surprise for an anniversary present. :-)

Thanks so much, Scott & Cindy! Our Frozen Pizza Fridays will be back to their full grandness, and we're very excited about it. :-)

Jumpstarting and Deal Finding

Our schedule always seems to keep us busy, and this summer has been no exception. In fact, I feel like we've figured out a way to stuff even more activities into the nooks and crannies of our free time. Needless to say, this blog has suffered mightily because of it. But here is my attempt to jumpstart my writing once again! I know I'm a happier, more focused person when I'm writing, and perhaps I can provide you a few minutes of joy, as well.

Before I get into some of the weightier thoughts swirling in my mind, I wanted to share a great deal with you! I must confess I am a terrible scrapbooker. I tried it out when I was younger, and the whole thing puts my perfectionist tendencies into a complete tizzy. I do, however, hoard keepsakes from memorable occasions as if I were a scrapbooking fiend. The result, as you may guess, is a lot of stuff piled in a closet. My husband is just thrilled. ;-)

While perusing this blog (a great place to find photo deals, plus she's fun to read), I came across a a Paper Coterie product called Memory Keepers that may be my solution! It's a 9.75x13 box with a personalized cover. This translates into one easy-to-design cover and no pages to stress me out! Nate and I typically wrote each other letters once a month throughout our dating years, so this is the book I created to house these precious words.

This is one of the first pictures we took of just the two of us, and it still makes me laugh! And here's your reward for hanging in there with me through this rambly post: Paper Coterie is offering a $40 credit by using the code BEGINANYWHERE before August 31. If you order before August 8 (tomorrow), you can get another $40 credit by using the code STACYJULIAN in the promotions bar. I'm really excited to have a cute place to store our keepsakes and even more excited about not paying too much to get it. :-) I'll be back soon with some summer recaps and a few theological musings. Until then, have a great start to your week!